Waking with a smile.

So before I even opened my eyes this morning I felt excited and relieved about something and had to ask myself why.  Oh yeah!  Like a kid on Christmas morning, I remembered.  Hubby finally got the results of his echocardiogram yesterday and was told that his heart valve looks fine.  The technician who performed the test on his heart when he had been experiencing a period of chest tightness had seen and heard back flow into his left ventricle and claimed that everything was enlarged.  A cardiologist confirmed it in his notes, but we have been waiting weeks and weeks for him to send the test results and his notes to my husband's group of doctors.  It took forever!  Pins and needles, needles and pins.  Anytime something great happened we were able to get excited for a minute but the shadow of that cloud hanging over heads would only seem to grow, refusing to go away. 

I have always felt that when anything good happens we have to pay for it somehow.  And it never fails.  Always, it seems, we have to pay.  So I was afraid that though our lives were going so well and we were so happy, in a week or two or seven I would find out how we were going to have to suffer for it.  It's a sick mentality, I know, and I do spend a lot more time these days being thankful than I used to, but there it is.  And I know life is short and anything can happen at anytime and that bad things happen to good people with no explanation.  I know that.  But it's a lot different to just be aware of that fact than it is to look at one of your favorite people all day, every day, checking their breathing while they sleep, rolling over first thing in the morning to see if they are okay, watching them take an arsenal of medications twice daily that you've been told keep them out of danger, all while wondering what is going on inside that body of theirs.  You've been told something is wrong and you don't look at that person the same and nothing feels right no matter how "happy" you are.  Then you feel guilty for not "counting your blessings" 24/7 because there is that dang black cloud haunting you.

Well, the sun came out this morning with a soft fall breeze accompanying it and, wouldn't you know, I didn't see that cloud all day!

Blood tests for Hubby this week and a repeat ECHO in December and then we can put this year behind us.  It was a great year, despite the worry, but I really am looking forward to seeing the results of all the positive changes we've gone through (which includes my aunt kicking the heck out of cancer's butt, and health and peace in the lives of friends who have also been through a lot) and leaving the rest behind.  

Now if I can just have the president I'm rooting for end up in office...;)

Avoiding the rant to bask in the glow.

What a crazy month we've had!  I say crazy, but the biggest change has been the most calming mellowing, peaceful one we could have asked for.  A dream come true and the last on the list of life goals my husband and I established years ago, probably the first year that we were married.  I keep saying that no one is supposed to get everything they've ever wanted, but we officially have. I sit here on a daily basis absolutely in AWE and I almost can't stop smiling.

Here was the list:
A.  Live on an island.  We ended up living on Oahu for 4 yrs. through no choice of our own.  Funny how many times life has given us what we've asked for w/o us even trying.

B.  2 children within 2 yrs. apart in age.  They are actually 2 yrs. 4 mos.

C.  Live in Washington state.  We hit that one, too.  Another four years of our life together.

D.  Settle in the  Southern Appalachian mountains on a little farm.  Here we are!!!  Though we are avidly working to settle permanently on a larger one with NO NEIGHBORS.  You have to take the good with the bad and this beautiful, fabulous little farm happened to be across the street from a whole lot of bad!  And again, this was our choice, but even when we were willing to move to places like D.C. or Chicago when my husband ended his military enlistment, this was the only area he was able to find a job following 9-11 and the job freeze that followed.  Love it when our wants and not just our needs are considered in the big plan that has been set before us.

E.  Homeschool our children.  CHECK!

F. Work from home. YES.  DONE.  OFFICIAL!!!

My husband worked for a tax software company and was determined after his heart attack earlier this year that he would be out of that place before tax development season began for this next year.  It was close.  He was miserable.  He was coming home red-faced and stressed like last tax year, when he had the heart attack at his desk at work.  He kept telling me he was going to have another one if he stayed, he was certain.  I was sure, too, if only because he was so certain and was going to have a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Then the chest tightness started.  Not a cold, not bronchitis, no other symptoms.  His dr. kept an eye on him but after weeks, ordered an echocardiogram.  The technician saw obvious problems during the test that could lead, worst case scenario, to lifelong problems and heart surgery. 

We sat down together and decided that if there was more wrong with his heart we would hate to look back in a few months and see that he had wasted precious time at his current job; a job which kept his blood pressure elevated which was the whole cause of his heart attack in the first place.  We decided that no matter how scary taking the leap and working from home would be, it was nothing compared to the angst we felt on a daily basis knowing he needed a life change and had to leave his high-stress job.  On top of that, many of his teammates had left the company over the summer for the same reasons which left the job of several people on the heads of the three remaining. 

He did it.  He gave notice and finished his last two weeks. 

His chest tightness continued after he left the job and we are still waiting for more tests and a final diagnosis on his condition.  I do my best not to think about it, which includes avoiding blogging.  I have been so angry that he is not fully recovered and furious with one of his health care providers for sitting on this problem and failing to pass his test results on to his primary care provider so we can get answers.  It's terrifying to know that he may be in danger because someone is sitting around slacking on their job.  So avoiding the rant and basking in the wonderfulnesses (it's a word if I say it's a word) of our new life has been #1 on the list. 

We have also started school in the last month.  My boys are loving studying world history.  Our German is improving.  Math is going to go much better with their math genius daddy home, for me anyway.  I'm washing my hands of math teaching for as long as I can get away with it.

I have also started a new graphics business in the last few weeks and have finished the graphics for two mobile app games and am working on a third.  My husband is developing them.  I am almost to the point where I have the confidence to bid on my own graphics contracts.  I love it.  I get to sit and create, create, create.  Ahhhh...

But the most important thing is that just when we were wondering if we could make it with my husband working from home on the contracts he had already won, he received two long-term contracts of full-time work.  Kind of reminds me of the two times we said, "Yes.  We are ready to start trying to have children." only to find that we were already a few weeks pregnant. 

It all reminds me that you must set goals and work hard to accomplish them, but there is still that guiding light that gives you what you need when you need it and sometimes what you want most in life.  Sigh...I don't have anything to rant about, really.  Just lots of things to be thankful for. 

Gotta get that glow!

My husband and I love Himalayan salt lamps.  The first time we saw them, however, we both thought they were a little strange and wondered what mystical power they were purported to give by those who believe in such things.  The white ones reminded me of Planet Krypton, which I vividly remembered seeing in Christopher Reeves' Superman in the theater as a child.  I wondered what they were supposed to be used for, other than to sit in the corner of a darkened room looking mystical, earthy, and just plain decorative.

But when we saw an entire store of them in different shapes and forms, though the air in the store was as fresh and clean as that surrounding an effervescent cascade deep in the forest, supposedly as a result of having so many of the lamps lit, we decided that we would like to have oodles of them in our own home giving off that glorious peachy glow.  So beautiful!  Like watching a motionless fire.  A blaze that doesn't flicker.  And I wonder who, as I stare at them, first put a flame to a chunk of Himalayan salt and gazed upon that first glow.  I'm sure it was some very cold nomad, thousands and thousands of years ago, who lit a fire near a wall of coral-hued salt and said, "Oooooo..."

My husband and I imagine having a library with dark wood bookshelves and puffy chairs and rugs with salt lamps illuminating every corner. 

In the meantime, to appease our cave dwelling instincts, we have invested in a few of the lamps.  Three are votive holders that were a steal because we purchased them from a gemstone dealer who had them on display as part of his rock show. 

One is electrically lit and must weigh over ten pounds.  Look at those colors!

It is claimed that salt lamps charge the air with postive energy and purify it.  I don't know anything about such things.  I keep air purifiers on all the time in our house, anyway, because my boys had asthma when they were younger, so I wouldn't know the difference.  But those stores, the ones with two thousand salt rocks heated and glowing, are invigorating.  I don't know if it's the salt lamps that  do it or Febreeze.  Probably industrial strength air purifiers working away out of sight.  I don't know and I don't care.  It's all about the glow, for me.

I do know that on humid days our large lamp, that is lit with a bulb, literally drips with moisture and has to be blotted dry.  

The color that these chunks of minerals give off when lit is warm and easy on the eyes.  I am very sensitive to "atmosphere" and this is the feel (look) I want from a room full of salt lamps.  Just look at this room!  Not ours, but we hope to add more to illuminate the cozy spaces or our home.  My poor grandkids.  I can hear them now, telling their friends about how crazy their hippie grandma is...who really isn't.  Okay, maybe a little, but I still think incense stinks and it makes my nose itch.

Head first.

Yes, that is German for Dummies.  I am German, but I'm also a dummy.  Maybe this will help.  ;)

I love teaching my children and giving myself to them in that way.  I would have missed so much if they had gone to school all of these years and don't know how we could have had the relationship we have now if I'd packed them off every morning.  Not that students who learn outside of the home do not have a bond with their parents, but there has just been so much more time in the day for silliness and memory making because I teach them at home.  I also love watching as they understand or learn something new, rather than just seeing report cards and graded papers coming in the door. 

Though sometimes, when I'm trying to wash floors or get a bit of quiet time, I think how wonderful it would be to have everyone but myself out of the house for 30 minutes on a week day and wonder what stay at home moms who put their kids on a bus every morning do with their day.  I can't imagine what it would be like to not have to worry about someone walking on wet floors or being allowed to finish an entire cup of coffee while it's still hot during daylight hours.  But I know when they are grown and there is no one around to ask five times if the floors are dry, because, of course, no one needs to go in a room util the floors are wet, I will be mopping them with my tears.  So putter away, my little fellas, and Mommy can get a new cup of coffee when the first one gets cold. 

Teaching reading was tricky for the first little guy, but because my second little guy sat listening while putting puzzles together or playing with Play-doh all those preschool years of his that I was teaching his brother, he learned on his own.  That was it.  Done.  He just knew how to read and it was like a gift from him to me, rather than something that I could give to him.  He loved books that showed many pictures with the word printed over each, so once he learned letter sounds he just took off.  So I would say, that after teaching them for all these years, that once you get over teaching them to read, the rest is a breeze, but I only did half that job so can't even take the credit or feign any hardship on my part in that area. 

Algebra.  Now that's another story.  They get it, fortunately, but I still want to cry.  So that has been the hardest thing for me to teach.  I'm so glad they inherited their father's skills in that area and that he can teach them where my abilities fall short. 

Both seemed to learn at the same ages and grade level, right around the end of fifth grade, that if they focused on one task at a time, their work would be done and they would be free, free, FREE.  It's just like making your bed or taking your dirty laundry basket to the laundry room to sort.  "We may not like to do it, but once it's done we don't have to worry about it anymore."  I wonder how many times they have heard that come out of my mouth.  I'm sure they could tell you, too many times! Trying to make lessons as fun as possible really helps, and that has been my favorite job over the years.

But here we are into August and, though we have no idea where the summer went, all three of us are getting excited about the new school year.  It will be bigger than ever because my oldest is starting high school, but it may be my last year home schooling them both.  The older boy is toying with the idea of attending one of his three options in schools that exist in our area.  So, in that respect, this could be our most important year for silliness and memory making, which means I have my work cut out for me in structuring everything to keep us organized.  I'm ready.

We purchase the last of our supplies over the weekend, even enough earth-friendly products to make a humongous batch of laundry detergent to last well into the year, and now I just have the 2+ weeks of lesson planning, chore and schedule chart making that it typically takes me, and a master bath to renovate.  That last item is a long story worthy of its own post.  I'm just too tired from planning for it to even type about it right now. 

So today I am diving in head first while my boys sleep in and then goof off, maximizing their remaining summer days.  And I think we'd better finally make it to the pool before they drain it for the year so we can literally dive in.  Yup.  Good idea.

I never should have called it a "diary"...

There was a cooking blog and then there was supposed to be a blog about everything else, such as writing and gardening, homeschooling and parenting.  I think I went wrong when I called it "Diary of..." because I ended up using it as a form of cheap therapy and, at times, an actual diary that I let anyone and everyone see for some crazy reason.  Look, I'm still doing it!  ;)

It may have worked, I'll never know for sure, but I do know that resentment and cynicism seem like old friends that I've learned I'm better off without.  Kind of like some real life friends.  You know, the ones who leave you feeling icky, like you need a shower.

I'm sure my attitude change mainly stems from some of the things that have happened in my life since I started blogging.  Perspective is acquired.  When big things happen you sure laugh at the little things that used to scare you.  And you learn to ditch the things you don't need and only hold you back, and you hang on to the things that really matter. 

We recently made the decision to move away and sell our little farm.  I panicked at first, still do sometimes, but then, when I was having a real moment of weakness and was wishing for some way to protect my heart when the time came for the move, I literally looked up (I was in a dept. store) and saw a trio of plaques that read, "Imagine Peace, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Today."  That was it for me.  All it took to let go and go with the flow.  I purchased said wall hanging collection, and promised myself that the signs would stay in their packaging and would only be removed and hung in the house I was sure would be the one we were destined to have. 

We spent every waking moment over the last month trying to make this move.  And, I might add, we've done everything "right" so that all of the pieces should have fallen into place.  Instead, we have had something happen every single day for six days in a row to chisel away at our list of reasons for leaving.  Big things.  Amazing things we never could have seen coming.  Miraculous things that just fly at us out of the blue!  Now I don't know what to think, where the heck I'll end up hanging my little signs from heaven.

I am a firm believer that you make your dreams come true, but also that you can try as hard as you can to make something happen, but if it's not supposed to happen, it won't.  I think people are supposed to get up and actively use their inherent and acquired skills to improve their lives.  Sitting and wishing never got anyone anywhere, but timing is everything.

I used to say that life was a funnel.  When you were on the right path you would be forced down the sides of the funnel into the neck and you just had to trust the funnelling.  But lately I've decided that it feels more like a Rube Goldberg contraption being built by some nerdy kid in his basement.  No disrespect intended to the higher power who greases the funnel for us on occasion, but I think there are lots of funnels and gadgets on the paths that each of us are destined to follow and timing is EVERYTHING or the whole thingy comes to a stop, usually when we do something stupid and don't listen to our intuition.

So I ramble.  As if typing this all down in my "diary" will help me see what turns, drops, twists, and loop de loops are up ahead.

But, oh yeah.  This is supposed to be my writing, gardening, homeschooling, parenting journal. So... A.  I've been writing like crazy this week on my favorite unfinished novel that no one will probably ever see.  B.  The cucumbers are getting wiped out by Mexican Bean Beetles again, but the zukes and yeller squashes are doing well with Neem Oil; Mexican Bean Beetles still don't touch the beans, go figure.  C.  Science and math curriculum is planned and purchased for the year, but I'm still working on procuring language arts, history, German, spelling and vocabulary, and writing curriculum.  And, holy crap, I've got a high schooler this year!  D.  My kids are awesome!


Small Town Hoe'r, signing off...

Inspiration

I've been impressed by so many people and things recently that it seems as if every single day I find a small dose of inspiration from one place or another.  I'm using this song as my inspiration today.  I am on the other side of so much, personally.  Feels great!  Now I just need to put my head down and keep bulldozing forward for myself and with my little family.  I still need just a wee bit more gumption, but it's in there somewhere.  I'm gonna find it and grab it! 

Bush ~ The Mirror of the Signs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJyZYBiDHj0

20/40 and A Roaring Fire in Our Bellies

My birthday and our wedding anniversary fall on the same day.  This year was a biggy all around.  I turned 40 on our 20th anniversary.  We celebrated like crazy with the most amazing, relaxing, invigorating vacation ever.  I always say that four hours in the Florida Keys is better than four years in Hawaii, and though we loved the years we lived on Oahu it was nothing like island hopping along the chain of keys at the bottom end of my home state. 

Our little fishing spot at the west end of Seven Mile Bridge.  There were colorful patches of live coral right at the shore. 

The whole trip went off without a hitch.  My biggest fear was overtiring my husband as he was only eight weeks into his recovery from the heart attack and had been suffering from strange bouts of lethargy and low blood pressure the week before we were to leave, but he did beautifully well on the trip, stomped all over Old Town Key West in the blazing heat with the boys and me.  He still took it easy, opted to stay on the sailboat with our younger son while I went in the water snorkeling with our older boy.  He preferred lounging in a deck chair over swimming off the hotel's beach and drank plenty of fluids long before he needed them.  I can honestly say that I have never seen him more happy or relaxed and I know it was the same for the boys and myself. 
It was the first time while packing, that I didn't have qualms about heading out of the hills.  I usually get nervous, cranky, and short-tempered when we are getting ready to leave, not just because of all I need to get done and the worry of forgetting something important, but out of fear that something major will go wrong, such as a car accident or mid-night hold-up at a deserted convenience store we happen to stop by for gas.  I worry and worry and worry, usually, so much so that when the time has come to get in the van I know I'd rather stay home.  Then, when the mountains turn into foothills and the foothills level out, I get the tiniest feelings of panic. 
I have a friend who tried to explain to me once that our mountains are full of rubies and that rubies are the crystals that make us feel grounded and that is why I feel lost as soon as we drive down out of the Appalachians.  I love the idea, but I know that it's more than that.  I'm just insecure and would love to stay hermitized here in our little town.  I never realize this, however, until I am down out of the mountains and switched over to the "other me."  I really am an introverted home body if I allow myself to be, but forget that I can also thrive in a different setting, thanks to my upbringing in the city.  And if there is an adventure on the horizon?  Just try to stop me.
This time, however, I couldn't wait to shake the convalescent feeling our home had adopted since the heart attack and all the fear and tension that had filled it.  I was antsy and hyper and urging, with butterflies in my stomach and an excitement I haven't felt in years, for everyone to hurry up and get out the door.  It was so great and I even kept saying, "Isn't this cray?!  I'm not cranky or anything!"  Fun.  And it did not stop.  I drove us almost to the Florida border before I realized how tired I was after a night of little sleep, a day of last minute trip preparation, and a state to state drive till dawn.  Hubby took over for me the last little stretch when we hit dense fog and I realized my reaction time was diminishing after miles and miles of interstate reconstruction. 
Two fabulous nights with Dad and his sweet wife and then we headed south.  It's such an abrupt change, reaching The Keys after travelling through northern, central, and south Florida.  Crossing that bridge and landing on the other side on Key Largo is more like taking a plane flight to me.  Island hopping to our first night's hotel stop was bliss, even with frequent stops in search of quality, affordable swim fins.  Our boys had outgrown theirs.

Sombrero Beach, Marathon, FL

Now I'm not a beach person, and neither is my husband.  Even though I'm a Florida girl and grew up 30 minutes from Cocoa Beach and spent plenty of time on the coast, my idea of fun has never been to sit in the sand and bake.  That's not only because I am vanilla hued with chocolate sprinkles, a "flavor" combination that turns strawberry within a matter of minutes without adequate protection from the sun, but I would be bored out of my mind sitting and roasting on a beach.  So, for me, The Keys are the best sunny, warm place to travel to because there is so much to look at and do.

For this reason, I was very concerned that we had decided to spend the majority of our vacation parked on our butts in one location on Key West.  We aren't shoppers and modern Key West, from what I could recall, was made for shoppers.  And as I said, we aren't beach ploppers, though the reason we chose a hotel with a small beach was so that my husband could slow down and finish healing that body of his or at least give his mind a rest from the hectic lifestyle he leads on a daily basis, and we aren't bar hoppers, either.  You could plan a Key West trip solely around bar hopping, I'm sure, if you are into that.  But we found ourselves on so many adventures in Key West that we realized as we were packing to leave the island the day we were to head back north, that we could have used at least another two days to fit in all we wanted to do.

I was a Hemingway fan before the trip but after seeing his favorite hangout, home, kitties, and writing studio I'm a hopeless addict.

It was so strange to walk everywhere we needed to go.  In five days we only used our vehicle once.  Hm.  It's time for breakfast.  I know.  We'll walk to the bakery down the road for coffee and croissants.  Lunchtime.  Picnic with the sandwich ingredients in the mini fridge again or is everyone in the mood for a Hard Rock Cafe cheeseburger?  Museums, marina, aquarium, Key lime pie...walk, walk, walk.  So great! 

Duval Street from Ripley's Believe It or Not

Fort Zachary Taylor

Atocha silver at the Mel Fisher museum.

Another two days on the island may also have mentally prepared us for the switch back to normal life.  I can't get over what a shock it was and how lost we all felt.  I've had great vacations before but I've always, always looked forward through the exhaustion to getting home to my own bed.  Apparently we are forever changed from this trip and will never be the same again. 
I felt the two me's warring the whole time we were back home, and for the first time the mountain girl wasn't putting up much of a fight.  Florida Girl took over and took hold.  Amazing that there was a period of time when I used to say I hated Florida and went kicking and screaming to visit my aging grandmother when I had the chance to head south.  Well as it turns out, a discovery I made a few years ago, I dislike East Orlando, not Florida in general.  It's disgusting and no longer looks and feels like my home.  But the rest of the state, major cities not included, is just the same as I remember.  I really enjoy zig-zagging and criss-crossing on one adventure after another in my Florida.  What I find by avoiding the major cities is the old Florida I love. It's all still there if you look for it.

Micanopy, FL

Since coming home, we have a fire in our bellies to keep Hubby as relaxed as he was during the trip.  That will never be possible because life is not a vacation.  It's for real.  But his blood pressure has been high again since starting back at work, something that cannot ever happen, especially not at this point, with a stent growing into the walls of his affected artery.  He just can't do it.  I don't know what's coming, but I know that we will do whatever it takes to keep him well and that all four of us are open to whatever that may mean.  In the meantime we are continuing to think BIG and are working on our goals for this family and trusting that we won't do anything stupid.  I'm also distracting myself by turning our patio into "Key West" for Hubby and looking online for an adoptable six-toed "Hemingway Cat" after playing with the descendants of his original Gypsy cat at the Hemingway House.  Don't get me started on those little fluff balls.  I don't know how they can be so much cuter than non-mutated cats just by having one more toe, but boy are they ever!