Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Waking with a smile.

So before I even opened my eyes this morning I felt excited and relieved about something and had to ask myself why.  Oh yeah!  Like a kid on Christmas morning, I remembered.  Hubby finally got the results of his echocardiogram yesterday and was told that his heart valve looks fine.  The technician who performed the test on his heart when he had been experiencing a period of chest tightness had seen and heard back flow into his left ventricle and claimed that everything was enlarged.  A cardiologist confirmed it in his notes, but we have been waiting weeks and weeks for him to send the test results and his notes to my husband's group of doctors.  It took forever!  Pins and needles, needles and pins.  Anytime something great happened we were able to get excited for a minute but the shadow of that cloud hanging over heads would only seem to grow, refusing to go away. 

I have always felt that when anything good happens we have to pay for it somehow.  And it never fails.  Always, it seems, we have to pay.  So I was afraid that though our lives were going so well and we were so happy, in a week or two or seven I would find out how we were going to have to suffer for it.  It's a sick mentality, I know, and I do spend a lot more time these days being thankful than I used to, but there it is.  And I know life is short and anything can happen at anytime and that bad things happen to good people with no explanation.  I know that.  But it's a lot different to just be aware of that fact than it is to look at one of your favorite people all day, every day, checking their breathing while they sleep, rolling over first thing in the morning to see if they are okay, watching them take an arsenal of medications twice daily that you've been told keep them out of danger, all while wondering what is going on inside that body of theirs.  You've been told something is wrong and you don't look at that person the same and nothing feels right no matter how "happy" you are.  Then you feel guilty for not "counting your blessings" 24/7 because there is that dang black cloud haunting you.

Well, the sun came out this morning with a soft fall breeze accompanying it and, wouldn't you know, I didn't see that cloud all day!

Blood tests for Hubby this week and a repeat ECHO in December and then we can put this year behind us.  It was a great year, despite the worry, but I really am looking forward to seeing the results of all the positive changes we've gone through (which includes my aunt kicking the heck out of cancer's butt, and health and peace in the lives of friends who have also been through a lot) and leaving the rest behind.  

Now if I can just have the president I'm rooting for end up in office...;)

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